Well, back in the good ol' U. S. of A. it came to pass, fairly frequently, that I would get a bad case of the redass at other drivers. Sometimes I would begin shouting at them in tongues, (within the safety of my own car.)
But, here in Pura Vida land, I have turned over a new leaf and I try not to get torqued up over traffic events ... until this week.
It started right away as I passed through the toll booth of Hwy 27, in Atenas, headed to San Jose. Another little car came out of an adjacent toll booth a few seconds before I left mine and he started down the entrance ramp ahead of me. Down hill. Steeply. All set up so that you could easily get up to speed (only 70 kph at this location) to merge with any traffic.
Nah. This phenom of the driving arts poked down the hill and then at the Ceda (yield) sign CAME TO A COMPLETE STOP.
Me? I was flying down that hill, looking to the side for traffic (there was none) so that I could make the decision to merge ahead or behind any traffic. Instead, as I finally paid attention to what was supposed to be an empty ramp in front of me, I had to slam on the brakes to avoid ramming Einstein.
From his dead stop the clown swiveled around in his seat to gawk up the road to see if some nasty car or truck was fixin to try to hit him. Only after he had triple checked the emptiness of the roadway did he risk brushing against the accelerator pedal and he oozed out onto the road.
Some evil spirit tried to fire me into a state of rage but I resisted and simply commented on the other driver's mother's occupation as I blew past him. Oh, well, into every life a little rain ... and all that stuff.
Have you noticed how unbelievably slowly many many trucks plod up the hills on the highways here? I mean, hey, I lived in California for quite a few years and on those serious mountain highways, if you weren't breaking the speed limit, semis would run right over you. It can be done. Those really big trucks can go really fast uphill. Does this mean that the truck drivers are just doing the snail act to piss me off? Well, maybe, but shouldn't they try to make up for lost time when going downhill on the other side?
No. I think they generally go slower downhill than they do going uphill. How? Why? DRIVE, dammit! If that piece of junk you're piloting has such crappy brakes that you can't control it going downhill at any speed above 10 kph, then: a). your rolling scrap heap cannot possibly have passed its RITEVE (safety) inspection this year, so, b). just drive that piece of shit off the road and wreck it. Maybe you can buy a real truck with the insurance money.
Fortunately, the tollroad has frequent passing lanes allowing all of us driving at the blazing maximum speed of 80 kph (50 by god miles per hour!) an opportunity to scoot around the highway sloths.
Speaking of passing lanes, here in Costa Rica, they always end with plenty of notification coming at you from both road signs and from warning lines painted on the pavement. In other words, unless you are asleep (or on your fucking phone, you shithead) there is no way to not know that your lane is about to vanish. You'd think.
All of this end-of-lane awareness stuff doesn't really work though if the rutabega operating a vehicle has zero sense of depth perception. Yeah, on this fine day a turd in a BMW SUV was riding my tail and he kept waiting until all of the "Lane Ends" warnings and the Yield markings had flown by. Then he'd jerk his jerk-wagon over into the right lane, floor it, and get about 2/3 of the way past me before he realized that he was staring directly at a guard rail, whereupon he'd toss out the anchor and drop back on my tail. Over and over. Don't animals learn from their errors?
Well, I don't know ... because we all rolled into the tollgate complex near MultiPlaza. He went left for a booth and I went to the far right QuickPass lane.
As I picked my booth/lane, tightly surrounded by traffic all around, a box truck was slowly pulling through ahead of me. Too slowly. So slowly that just as the nose of his truck reached the gate, it lowered onto his bumper and he continued for about two feet, snapping the gate off.
Now, people, in case you don't know it, these gates are made out of soft plastic and they're designed to snap off cleanly without doing significant damage to their mechanism or to your vehicle. If it happens, let it go. It happens every day. Move along.
This truck stops dead in the lane and I'm trapped behind him. Two, three, four, a dozen cars and trucks pile up behind me. "Hey man ... move the truck over to the side." *beep beep*
Nothing. Then the driver's door on the truck opens. "No! Don't get out. There's no booth attendant. Just get out of the way." *HONK HONK*
Sir Thinksalot, the driver, moseys up to the front and stands there staring at the gate, like a goat looking at a watch. Everybody is honking. A cop rolls up in the next lane ... and watches. Oh, yeah, I forgot -- cops are hired to drive around in their cool cars with the emergency lights all flashing, going nowhere in particular. They don't even do donuts. They just drive around. Then the passenger door of the truck opens.
"No! Don't get out. Get out of the way you flaming cretins!" Now everybody is honking.
The passenger s-l-o-w-l-y walks to the back of the truck AND OPENS THE DAMN BACK DOORS! He's going to inspect the load for damage!
That ripped it. I was full tilt boogy flipped out. I was ready to pop a blood vessel. The cops seemed amused. Patricia, my co-pilot, seemed aghast that the Incredible Hulk had just materialized in the seat next to her.
And suddenly ...
The little voices in my head said, "Pura Vida, Mae. Tranquilo." That's right. I had no place to be. What do I care if that DUMB SHIT sits there for the rest of the day?
I'm tellin' ya. This Costa Rica life is really making me into a nice person. As I eventually rolled past the plodding former lane blocker I almost didn't flip him off. Pura Vida indeed!
Showing posts with label drivers. Show all posts
Showing posts with label drivers. Show all posts
Thursday, February 12, 2015
Sunday, August 3, 2008
Toll Road Followup
Award: 
She's out there. La gran estúpida.
This really happened, this week:
Coming south, through the West Little York Toll Plaza, I'm in the Easy Tag Only lane and the usual morons are tying up traffic as they get into the Tag Only lane and then discover (or is it "discover" since I suspect that a lot of this is intentional) that they are in the wrong lane ... and they have to then block everyone while they try to nudge their way into one of the adjacent cash lanes.
So this woman in front of me, with an Easy Tag plainly visible on her windshield, begins to roll smartly along with the traffic as the morons clear away from in front of us.
She gets up to the Easy Tag reader and STOPS!?! (whereupon, I almost rear-ended her; and the guy behind me almost rear-ended me; and the guy behind him ... ad infinitum)
No horn from me, because I'm a REFORMED Road Rage Psychopath and every person has the right to drive safely and with the level of conservatism to which they are comfortable (gack! I want to retch every time I parrot those "good driver" platitudes.)
Away she crept from her stop at the reader. The toll gate went up (don't get me started -- yes, the damn things are back) she rolled up even with the gate and SHE STOPPED AGAIN.!! That ripped it.
She got the horn. I almost got rear-ended, again, and the other good drivers went wild with their horns.
She got moving, so out we all roll. I passed her and looked over to lay my most evil, rotten, "You're sooooo stupid!" dirty look on her but she won't look my direction. Ms. Gotta-stop has the pedal to the metal and is going to break the speed laws. On a mission.
Yeah, genius, stop twice in the toll gate but then get out there and drive 80 miles an hour while everyone else is doing 65-75. Makes perfect sense -- NOT.
That's O.K., I'll probably pass her in the next tool plaza after she stops suddenly, again, and causes a 37 car pileup. I'll save my "look" for then.
She's out there. La gran estúpida.
This really happened, this week:
Coming south, through the West Little York Toll Plaza, I'm in the Easy Tag Only lane and the usual morons are tying up traffic as they get into the Tag Only lane and then discover (or is it "discover" since I suspect that a lot of this is intentional) that they are in the wrong lane ... and they have to then block everyone while they try to nudge their way into one of the adjacent cash lanes.
So this woman in front of me, with an Easy Tag plainly visible on her windshield, begins to roll smartly along with the traffic as the morons clear away from in front of us.
She gets up to the Easy Tag reader and STOPS!?! (whereupon, I almost rear-ended her; and the guy behind me almost rear-ended me; and the guy behind him ... ad infinitum)
No horn from me, because I'm a REFORMED Road Rage Psychopath and every person has the right to drive safely and with the level of conservatism to which they are comfortable (gack! I want to retch every time I parrot those "good driver" platitudes.)
Away she crept from her stop at the reader. The toll gate went up (don't get me started -- yes, the damn things are back) she rolled up even with the gate and SHE STOPPED AGAIN.!! That ripped it.
She got the horn. I almost got rear-ended, again, and the other good drivers went wild with their horns.
She got moving, so out we all roll. I passed her and looked over to lay my most evil, rotten, "You're sooooo stupid!" dirty look on her but she won't look my direction. Ms. Gotta-stop has the pedal to the metal and is going to break the speed laws. On a mission.
Yeah, genius, stop twice in the toll gate but then get out there and drive 80 miles an hour while everyone else is doing 65-75. Makes perfect sense -- NOT.
That's O.K., I'll probably pass her in the next tool plaza after she stops suddenly, again, and causes a 37 car pileup. I'll save my "look" for then.
Monday, May 19, 2008
The Stir Star Awards (Toll Road Division)
For those of you who don’t have toll roads or may not even know what they are, please indulge me. Read on. You might recognize a stirring performance that you’ve seen elsewhere.
The guy in the full service pay-lane that waits until he is stopped in front of the toll booth before he leans over to fish out his wallet; and, then he has to dig around in it to come up with the appropriate folding money.
Why am I in the full service lane anyway? Ya gotta be here in Houston to know. At some toll plazas (like the West Little York, on the West Sam Houston) if you are getting on the toll road at Little York, to go south, you are barred from using the main automatic lanes. And, the toll road authority brain trust has decided to only install a single automatic lane for EZ-Tag and that usually backs up beyond belief. Thus, if you want to get home while supper is still hot, it is quicker to go to a different lane. Sometimes the full service lanes look like they’re moving faster. That’s when I end up there.
Now, why is it such a reach for me to expect a person to plan ahead just a little … and BE CONSIDERATE (you clod!) of the dozen cars behind you. We don’t need to watch you finger through a wad of bills in your wallet while you select THE special dollar that you’ve been saving for years, just in case you ever have to pay a toll. Get that shit out before you even start to drive, dunce boy.
Taking your foot off the gas at the electronic toll gates, over on the EZ-Tag-only side.
Oh, all right, these people probably only deserve 1 stir, but this is a pet peeve of mine.
And, admittedly, there are signs that tell you to slow down and even signs that tell you to slow to 45 but this is the only State on Earth where some fools actually do it. Some states (e.g., Illinois) have even built the automatic lanes far away from the cash lanes, separating them by berms and trees. They command you to not slow down.
So, WHY do so many Houstonians slow down?
Are you afraid that the Tag reader won’t be able to read your Tag? It works on radio waves, Einstein. They’re travelling at more than 186,000 miles per second. Do you really think you can drive fast enough so that the speed of light waves cannot get down to your car and then be received in the return signal?
Scared of other drivers changing lanes right up at the readers and that they then might side-swipe you? We’re only changing lanes because people like you are impeding the flow of traffic when you slow down, pudding head.
And, what’s with you people at the Westheimer Plaza? What is so special about your fears and foibles that you need to slow down to stop & go for the automatic lanes? Who starts that mess? Please, some cowboy, shoot them.
Stop it. Just stop it. Keep your stinking foot smashed down on that stinking little narrow pedal on the right.
On the side of the toll road where EZ is mixed in with Full Service, getting into the EZ-Tag-Only lane when you don’t have an EZ-Tag.
Are you truly that unaware of your surroundings? Or are you just a mega-turd that thinks he’s getting to the head of the line … screw the rest of the world.
What happens, is that all of the lanes are filled up with long lines of cars needing to pay cash. In our single lonely EZ-Tag lane, the traffic usually moves significantly faster because we don’t have any clown digging under his seat for loose change.
Back to the story …
So, while we are moving reasonably steadily (5 mph,) down the long canyon created by lines of cash-pay cars, inevitably some anti-Mensa either doesn’t notice that he’s in the EZ-Tag Only lane or he’s trying to get to the head of the class. Either way, he then tries to push his way out of the Tag lane and into one of the cash lanes.
But it can’t be done. The cash lanes are at a dead stop and they only creep along one car length at a time. We, then, are trapped behind this clever person, building up our own traffic backup.
Please, oh please, give me Sidewinder missiles on my next car.
Stopping fully in front of the toll gate in an EZ-Tag lane when you have an EZ-Tag.
Ohmigod! What are you thinking!?! Oh … right. You haven’t the capacity to think.
Very close to these people are the folks that make a mistake in lane selection and then not only stop, but they begin to back up. I’m not making this up.
Patricia and I were driving back home one day, at about 75 mph (oh, get over it). She was driving and talking to me. I was lazily semi-focused on the road ahead as I listened. Something caught my attention. Something didn’t look right in the traffic way up ahead at the toll plaza.
Once the old synapses processed the message and I shouted, “Car backing up!” Pat barely had time to react. She got into a different lane and we went by that 7-stir. As we sped away down the road, I watched him in the side view mirror, expecting to see a fireball as he got run over by an 18 wheeler but, alas, no fireworks that day.
That’s the rant for the day. Many of the wackos that I mentioned in earlier posts about Houston drivers are doing their surface street tricks up on the toll roads, also. Sometimes it is just too bizarre to even award stirs.
Why are they breathing my air?
The guy in the full service pay-lane that waits until he is stopped in front of the toll booth before he leans over to fish out his wallet; and, then he has to dig around in it to come up with the appropriate folding money.Why am I in the full service lane anyway? Ya gotta be here in Houston to know. At some toll plazas (like the West Little York, on the West Sam Houston) if you are getting on the toll road at Little York, to go south, you are barred from using the main automatic lanes. And, the toll road authority brain trust has decided to only install a single automatic lane for EZ-Tag and that usually backs up beyond belief. Thus, if you want to get home while supper is still hot, it is quicker to go to a different lane. Sometimes the full service lanes look like they’re moving faster. That’s when I end up there.
Now, why is it such a reach for me to expect a person to plan ahead just a little … and BE CONSIDERATE (you clod!) of the dozen cars behind you. We don’t need to watch you finger through a wad of bills in your wallet while you select THE special dollar that you’ve been saving for years, just in case you ever have to pay a toll. Get that shit out before you even start to drive, dunce boy.
Taking your foot off the gas at the electronic toll gates, over on the EZ-Tag-only side.Oh, all right, these people probably only deserve 1 stir, but this is a pet peeve of mine.
And, admittedly, there are signs that tell you to slow down and even signs that tell you to slow to 45 but this is the only State on Earth where some fools actually do it. Some states (e.g., Illinois) have even built the automatic lanes far away from the cash lanes, separating them by berms and trees. They command you to not slow down.
So, WHY do so many Houstonians slow down?
Are you afraid that the Tag reader won’t be able to read your Tag? It works on radio waves, Einstein. They’re travelling at more than 186,000 miles per second. Do you really think you can drive fast enough so that the speed of light waves cannot get down to your car and then be received in the return signal?
Scared of other drivers changing lanes right up at the readers and that they then might side-swipe you? We’re only changing lanes because people like you are impeding the flow of traffic when you slow down, pudding head.
And, what’s with you people at the Westheimer Plaza? What is so special about your fears and foibles that you need to slow down to stop & go for the automatic lanes? Who starts that mess? Please, some cowboy, shoot them.
Stop it. Just stop it. Keep your stinking foot smashed down on that stinking little narrow pedal on the right.
On the side of the toll road where EZ is mixed in with Full Service, getting into the EZ-Tag-Only lane when you don’t have an EZ-Tag. Are you truly that unaware of your surroundings? Or are you just a mega-turd that thinks he’s getting to the head of the line … screw the rest of the world.
What happens, is that all of the lanes are filled up with long lines of cars needing to pay cash. In our single lonely EZ-Tag lane, the traffic usually moves significantly faster because we don’t have any clown digging under his seat for loose change.
Note to HCTRA: I’ve written to you jack-wads twice about leaving gates down across EZ-Tag lanes. One of your little minions even admitted that she couldn’t think of any reason why they are left operational. TAKE THOSE DAMNED GATES OUT!!!!!
Back to the story …
So, while we are moving reasonably steadily (5 mph,) down the long canyon created by lines of cash-pay cars, inevitably some anti-Mensa either doesn’t notice that he’s in the EZ-Tag Only lane or he’s trying to get to the head of the class. Either way, he then tries to push his way out of the Tag lane and into one of the cash lanes.
But it can’t be done. The cash lanes are at a dead stop and they only creep along one car length at a time. We, then, are trapped behind this clever person, building up our own traffic backup.
Please, oh please, give me Sidewinder missiles on my next car.
Stopping fully in front of the toll gate in an EZ-Tag lane when you have an EZ-Tag.Ohmigod! What are you thinking!?! Oh … right. You haven’t the capacity to think.
Very close to these people are the folks that make a mistake in lane selection and then not only stop, but they begin to back up. I’m not making this up.
Patricia and I were driving back home one day, at about 75 mph (oh, get over it). She was driving and talking to me. I was lazily semi-focused on the road ahead as I listened. Something caught my attention. Something didn’t look right in the traffic way up ahead at the toll plaza.
Once the old synapses processed the message and I shouted, “Car backing up!” Pat barely had time to react. She got into a different lane and we went by that 7-stir. As we sped away down the road, I watched him in the side view mirror, expecting to see a fireball as he got run over by an 18 wheeler but, alas, no fireworks that day.
That’s the rant for the day. Many of the wackos that I mentioned in earlier posts about Houston drivers are doing their surface street tricks up on the toll roads, also. Sometimes it is just too bizarre to even award stirs.
Why are they breathing my air?
Sunday, April 27, 2008
The Stir Star Awards (Freeways)
“Freeways” around Houston aren’t really “free” anymore but they are supposed to be free of impediments and cross traffic that can lead to accidents and slow the flow of traffic to an inefficient pace. Here are some of my favorite stupid people tricks done on our freeways.
Going 45 mph. (or even going the speed limit)
Ya know, Slick, in some states if you drive at 45 mph the cops won’t bother giving you a ticket for impeding traffic. They don’t have to. The other drivers will simply kill you.
You want to go 45 and feel safer? Stay on the surface streets.
If you’re having car trouble, get the hell over to the far right lane and put on your hazard flashers – then get off the freeway and over to the repair shop ASAP.
When you’re going 45 and the big bad 18 wheeler is going 70, you’re going to be hit as if you backed into a wall at 25 mph. Lots of damage bro.
As for going 65 (or 55 in the damn construction zones) get real. Please observe the other drivers. NOBODY IS GOING THE SPEED LIMIT. Pick it up, homeboy. We all have to get to work.
Playing “Sheriff” in the fast lane.
Did you know that we have several dozen Special Enforcement Sheriffs scattered in among the citizenry of our fair city? Yep. These are every day folk that drive their car over into the freeway fast lane, set it at some speed, such as the speed limit, or some such nonsense and thereupon they enforce THEIR perception of propriety and the law by holding back a line of 20 cars that are trying to get from here to there in the shortest reasonable time.
These self-appointed sanctimonious mouth-breathers will just cruise along, happy as you please, reveling in the knowledge that they have kept some more careless heathen from going to hell a little sooner than later.
Get out of the way, Pudding Head, or somebody'll help you from the freeway to the glory road.
The idiots stopping at the bottom of an entrance ramp.
How … oh, how did ANYbody ever figure that it is right, correct, proper, safe, or even sane to haul their ass to a halt at the bottom of the acceleration lane, right where the entrance ramp merges into the freeway’s slow lane? They stop! Not a California rolling stop. I mean, they STOP!
I think most of these mental heavyweights have either been killed or arrested because I only see about one a year now. Just a few years back, all of us normal drivers were always on the alert for the ramp stoppers. We just KNEW that today was the day that another one of them was going to toss out the anchor just as we were getting up to merge speed, coming up behind them.
Slowing down to exit.
What? Do you think that because you’re coming up on YOUR exit and that you’re finished with YOUR commute that the rest of us don’t have to keep going to our destinations? How can these people (a majority of drivers) possibly think that it is O.K. to decelerate in the main lanes of traffic, as much as a ¼ mile before their exit ramp.
Exit ramp, a.k.a. Deceleration Ramp, stupid.
EVERY morning, at the northbound Sam Houston exit ramp to Tanner Rd., there is a slowing down and backup because these lemurs are dropping down to 50 mph or less in the right one or two lanes. STOP IT!
Not accelerating in the acceleration lane.
Horse feathers. The price of gasoline isn’t that high that you have to nurse your way up to speed at an acceleration rate slower than a Moped.
These on-ramps are the site of more trick driving than anywhere, I think. The clowns are out and the circus is beset with their antics.
People … hear me … the entrance ramps are an acceleration feature of the freeway. Your State of Texas Professional [chortle] Engineers have designed them so that the average under-powered rice burner can reasonably be up to freeway speed by the time that they get from one end of the ramp to the other. Don’t insult our State Engineers (that’s my job.) Get your butt up to speed by the time you try to cut me off as you merge.
Speed and depth perception challenged.
I suppose these people are more a source of entertainment, rather than a source of irritation or a hazard. But I should mention them here anyway.
Don’t you just love the cretin that you’ve watched for miles as he slowly creeps up to pass you, from the next lane over, and then waits until the very last minute as he comes up on a slower vehicle. Then, way way past the last possible second for the safe execution of a pass (to get in front of you) Mario Andretti steps on the gas and zooms up beside you, only to have to slam on the breaks behind the slow vehicle.
I see this happen more often than I see a clean pass. Who are these people? What is wrong with their sense of speed and their depth perception? I shouldn’t complain. I really do get a good laugh out of these particular Pudding Heads.
Leave that left turn blinker going … forever.
Yeah, I know that it’s a cliché, but these encounters can be fun if you try to guess what the driver looks like before you get up next to them. Or, if you have a passenger, you can make book on which way the blinky fool is going to really move, and when.
Going straight for the 2nd lane when getting on.
I actually love this about people. I’ll bet you didn’t ever notice that virtually 100% of the vehicles entering a multilane freeway will stay in the first lane only as long as they are forced to stay there (by traffic, etc.) Then, the will immediately move to the second lane in from where they entered. (Some may continue to move further and further to the left.)
I use this human foible to my advantage, every morning.
Normally I set my cruise control to exactly 72 mph, based on my GPS speed reading (accurate to within 1/10th kph.) Since the far left, fast lane, keeps speeding up and slowing down, I usually get all the way over to the rightmost lane and stay there. There’s almost nobody there, on the Sam Houston Toll Road.
Sometimes there might be a truck or something in that lane but when they come up towards an entrance ramp, they get over a lane or two, expecting merging cars to be running slowly. What actually happens is that, first, the truck moves over and then every one of the merging cars goes immediately to the 2nd lane or further. If everything is spaced out right, I have clear sailing and never have to switch off the cruise control. Happiness.
Cops pulling people over and impeding the traffic for 15 minutes during rush hour.
I’d say, “Those pigs,” but that wouldn’t be nice. The fact is that Constables (Texas pseudo cops) are allowed up on the freeway so that they can raise money for their politician bosses. They’ll find some dope doing something outrageously stupid – something that will stick in court no matter what. They then get to pull the clod over.
O.K., you have your victim, you have his plate, you have his driver’s license, you probably have his photo on your patrol car video. GET OFF THE DAMN FREEWAY!!!
A cop, with his flashing lights on, will instantly slow down traffic, resulting in a dizzyingly fast traffic backup.
Think (?) about it officer. You’re scared, walking/standing on the roadside with the traffic wizzing past you at 70; you’re really rolling the dice that nobody is going to crash into you or your car during the stop; and, there is nothing that you can do up on the freeway that you cannot do down on the feeder road. So, tell your victim to carefully exit at the next interchange and write him up in a nice safe frontage road location.
See … you’re safe and I’m happy.
Cops conducting a multi-hour “investigation” on the freeways.
Oh, this one sticks in my craw. The poor s.o.b. is dead, damn it, move his ass and all the twisted metal off the stinking freeway NOW!
I’d like to see the statistics that show that all of the photos and measuring and supervisor visits and interviews have EVER made a difference in a conviction or lawsuit. Get real. So many vehicles ran over all of the bits and pieces before you got there that any “evidence” was obliterated. The freakin’ dead guy doesn’t care. Supervisors … do your job and give your people the authority and responsibility to get the highway cleared expeditiously.
Come on. Tell me in a response to this post, what the real advantages are to keeping a roadway closed or restricted for hours and hours while an “investigation” is completed. Go ahead. Try.
Cell phone up, gas pedal up.
Here’s a new anthropological theory: Many Houston drivers have a tendon connecting their right foot to the hand with which they lift their cell phone to their ear. And this makes their bodies work like this …
Phone rings; stupnagel picks it up and raises it to his ear; as the hand raises, the foot is pulled up away from the gas pedal by the magic tendon. Works every time.
Put down the phone and drive you slugs or at least set your cruise control so you don’t get distracted off in your little phone world and drop your speed to a crawl.
Yes, once again, I've finished a rant. Do you think anybody will read this and change their behaviors? Me either.
Going 45 mph. (or even going the speed limit)Ya know, Slick, in some states if you drive at 45 mph the cops won’t bother giving you a ticket for impeding traffic. They don’t have to. The other drivers will simply kill you.
You want to go 45 and feel safer? Stay on the surface streets.
If you’re having car trouble, get the hell over to the far right lane and put on your hazard flashers – then get off the freeway and over to the repair shop ASAP.
When you’re going 45 and the big bad 18 wheeler is going 70, you’re going to be hit as if you backed into a wall at 25 mph. Lots of damage bro.
As for going 65 (or 55 in the damn construction zones) get real. Please observe the other drivers. NOBODY IS GOING THE SPEED LIMIT. Pick it up, homeboy. We all have to get to work.
Playing “Sheriff” in the fast lane.Did you know that we have several dozen Special Enforcement Sheriffs scattered in among the citizenry of our fair city? Yep. These are every day folk that drive their car over into the freeway fast lane, set it at some speed, such as the speed limit, or some such nonsense and thereupon they enforce THEIR perception of propriety and the law by holding back a line of 20 cars that are trying to get from here to there in the shortest reasonable time.
These self-appointed sanctimonious mouth-breathers will just cruise along, happy as you please, reveling in the knowledge that they have kept some more careless heathen from going to hell a little sooner than later.
Get out of the way, Pudding Head, or somebody'll help you from the freeway to the glory road.
The idiots stopping at the bottom of an entrance ramp.How … oh, how did ANYbody ever figure that it is right, correct, proper, safe, or even sane to haul their ass to a halt at the bottom of the acceleration lane, right where the entrance ramp merges into the freeway’s slow lane? They stop! Not a California rolling stop. I mean, they STOP!
I think most of these mental heavyweights have either been killed or arrested because I only see about one a year now. Just a few years back, all of us normal drivers were always on the alert for the ramp stoppers. We just KNEW that today was the day that another one of them was going to toss out the anchor just as we were getting up to merge speed, coming up behind them.
Slowing down to exit.What? Do you think that because you’re coming up on YOUR exit and that you’re finished with YOUR commute that the rest of us don’t have to keep going to our destinations? How can these people (a majority of drivers) possibly think that it is O.K. to decelerate in the main lanes of traffic, as much as a ¼ mile before their exit ramp.
Exit ramp, a.k.a. Deceleration Ramp, stupid.
EVERY morning, at the northbound Sam Houston exit ramp to Tanner Rd., there is a slowing down and backup because these lemurs are dropping down to 50 mph or less in the right one or two lanes. STOP IT!
Not accelerating in the acceleration lane.Horse feathers. The price of gasoline isn’t that high that you have to nurse your way up to speed at an acceleration rate slower than a Moped.
These on-ramps are the site of more trick driving than anywhere, I think. The clowns are out and the circus is beset with their antics.
People … hear me … the entrance ramps are an acceleration feature of the freeway. Your State of Texas Professional [chortle] Engineers have designed them so that the average under-powered rice burner can reasonably be up to freeway speed by the time that they get from one end of the ramp to the other. Don’t insult our State Engineers (that’s my job.) Get your butt up to speed by the time you try to cut me off as you merge.
Speed and depth perception challenged.I suppose these people are more a source of entertainment, rather than a source of irritation or a hazard. But I should mention them here anyway.
Don’t you just love the cretin that you’ve watched for miles as he slowly creeps up to pass you, from the next lane over, and then waits until the very last minute as he comes up on a slower vehicle. Then, way way past the last possible second for the safe execution of a pass (to get in front of you) Mario Andretti steps on the gas and zooms up beside you, only to have to slam on the breaks behind the slow vehicle.
I see this happen more often than I see a clean pass. Who are these people? What is wrong with their sense of speed and their depth perception? I shouldn’t complain. I really do get a good laugh out of these particular Pudding Heads.
Leave that left turn blinker going … forever.Yeah, I know that it’s a cliché, but these encounters can be fun if you try to guess what the driver looks like before you get up next to them. Or, if you have a passenger, you can make book on which way the blinky fool is going to really move, and when.
Going straight for the 2nd lane when getting on.I actually love this about people. I’ll bet you didn’t ever notice that virtually 100% of the vehicles entering a multilane freeway will stay in the first lane only as long as they are forced to stay there (by traffic, etc.) Then, the will immediately move to the second lane in from where they entered. (Some may continue to move further and further to the left.)
I use this human foible to my advantage, every morning.
Normally I set my cruise control to exactly 72 mph, based on my GPS speed reading (accurate to within 1/10th kph.) Since the far left, fast lane, keeps speeding up and slowing down, I usually get all the way over to the rightmost lane and stay there. There’s almost nobody there, on the Sam Houston Toll Road.
Sometimes there might be a truck or something in that lane but when they come up towards an entrance ramp, they get over a lane or two, expecting merging cars to be running slowly. What actually happens is that, first, the truck moves over and then every one of the merging cars goes immediately to the 2nd lane or further. If everything is spaced out right, I have clear sailing and never have to switch off the cruise control. Happiness.
Cops pulling people over and impeding the traffic for 15 minutes during rush hour.I’d say, “Those pigs,” but that wouldn’t be nice. The fact is that Constables (Texas pseudo cops) are allowed up on the freeway so that they can raise money for their politician bosses. They’ll find some dope doing something outrageously stupid – something that will stick in court no matter what. They then get to pull the clod over.
O.K., you have your victim, you have his plate, you have his driver’s license, you probably have his photo on your patrol car video. GET OFF THE DAMN FREEWAY!!!
A cop, with his flashing lights on, will instantly slow down traffic, resulting in a dizzyingly fast traffic backup.
Think (?) about it officer. You’re scared, walking/standing on the roadside with the traffic wizzing past you at 70; you’re really rolling the dice that nobody is going to crash into you or your car during the stop; and, there is nothing that you can do up on the freeway that you cannot do down on the feeder road. So, tell your victim to carefully exit at the next interchange and write him up in a nice safe frontage road location.
See … you’re safe and I’m happy.
Cops conducting a multi-hour “investigation” on the freeways.Oh, this one sticks in my craw. The poor s.o.b. is dead, damn it, move his ass and all the twisted metal off the stinking freeway NOW!
I’d like to see the statistics that show that all of the photos and measuring and supervisor visits and interviews have EVER made a difference in a conviction or lawsuit. Get real. So many vehicles ran over all of the bits and pieces before you got there that any “evidence” was obliterated. The freakin’ dead guy doesn’t care. Supervisors … do your job and give your people the authority and responsibility to get the highway cleared expeditiously.
Come on. Tell me in a response to this post, what the real advantages are to keeping a roadway closed or restricted for hours and hours while an “investigation” is completed. Go ahead. Try.
Cell phone up, gas pedal up.Here’s a new anthropological theory: Many Houston drivers have a tendon connecting their right foot to the hand with which they lift their cell phone to their ear. And this makes their bodies work like this …
Phone rings; stupnagel picks it up and raises it to his ear; as the hand raises, the foot is pulled up away from the gas pedal by the magic tendon. Works every time.
Put down the phone and drive you slugs or at least set your cruise control so you don’t get distracted off in your little phone world and drop your speed to a crawl.
Yes, once again, I've finished a rant. Do you think anybody will read this and change their behaviors? Me either.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
A Distraction
I was busy writing my first Stir Star Drivers aricle when I got distracted by a pet peeve. Soon I was going on and on about a little tiny sub-article of this bigger stupid drivers topic. Well, the only solution is to break this topic out from the regular Pudding Heads rants and give it a life of its own.
Disclaimer: I normally won't descend to the depths of name calling, swearing or red herring. Below, I depart from this.
Here goes.
The first (perhaps only, ever) 4-stir Pudding Head Award (Kind of like a 4-Star General of Sub-Intellect) goes to ...
Vehicles still sporting W-04 stickers
Where to begin? I guess I should start out with a
WARNING: The following rant is NOT SUITABLE FOR CHILDREN or sensitive psyche folk; so, do NOT continue if you are under 18 years of age or are offended by raw cussing.
O.K.?
Are you gone yet?
Fine.
The cussing follows immediately below:
Scrape that fucking W-04 sticker off your fucking car you stupid stupid stupid fuck.
In 2000, you are forgiven. I even fell for the George W campaign that year. My reasoning was: kind of a dummy; but, seems like a good person; and, he’s surrounded by really experienced people; and, look at the alternative (ack!)
But, by 2004, you were still supporting the guy? Were you living in the deepest reaches of the Congo or somewhere like a Patagonian mountain summit? Even though Kerry was a sickening alternate choice, you still should have been on board with the ABB (Anybody But Bush) movement. O.K., I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt. Maybe you worked for the Republican Party or you were subject to some peer pressure.
Now, it is 2008 people. “W” is now ready to assume the role of probably the worst post-agricultural-age former president of all. The guy is now subject to open evaluation and the ledger doesn’t look good:
• W is public proof that you can college educate a chimpanzee; and, that a masters degree from one of the most prestigious business schools doesn’t help at all.
• This is a super-rich frat-boy prankster that never grew up. He thinks life is fun. His handlers know better. They are dancing their clown in front of your eyes so that you can’t see what they’ve done or wanted to do. (Even they couldn’t pull off all of their plans. See the next bullet.)
• The economy has been in a train wreck and might be declared “totaled.”
• Pollution is worse and we now have had 8 more years of doing nothing about it.
• Even Monkey-Boy has recently admitted that perhaps he may have been mistaken about global warming. Maybe he should have “believed” sooner and started on a road to using his power to mitigate the problem.
• Gasoline at $4.00?!? Oops. [giggle] Darn! [tee hee] Should have done something. [guffaw]
• We now know the answer to the question, “How in the world can people spend hundreds of millions of dollars to win a job (the presidency) that only pays $400,000.00 per year?” Answer: $120.00 per barrel oil. Geez. Do the math. When Weenie-Boy took office, the price was under $35.
• We’re engaged in a piggy-bank-busting war in Afghanistan so that WE can bring “freedom” and “democracy” to these people. You shit head. This “country” has been the site of occupation, war, disputes and every other sort of human conflict since at least 2000 … BCE! Now YOU are going to swish in and “fix” things. Oh, that’s right, you were a business major, not a history major.
• We’re engaged in a war in Iraq (and, for all intents and purposes, Iran) which is also breaking the bank here at home. Sure, sure, their dictator was a very bad guy. But, given an opportunity for an open and honest expression of their inner feelings no Iraqi would vote for the USA to be their White Knight. We and our influences are NOT wanted there. We’re only the terrible tasting medicine that they’ve swallowed to get rid of a near-fatal disease. Now they're trying to figure out how to take what's left of that medicine and pour it down the drain. Get out. Now!
• Ask a European or a citizen of any different country what the buzz is on their country’s streets about “W”. In my travels, I’ve never once heard a complimentary remark about Mr. President. We’re either the laughingstock of the world or, at best, we have their pity.
Oh, I’m tired of writing about this topic. This is beyond being stupid. I’ve got myself worked up and my true feelings are that this is evil. It’s not funny. Not just richer people (wink wink, nudge nudge) plotting against the poor stupid sheep. This presidency has simply been the beginning of the end. Take a good hard look at the Brits. That’s you, USA, in another 20 years. It took the Brits two world wars and 60+ more years to get into their situation. You’re doing it in a single generation. Buh bye.
Old W-04 stickers make me want to get violent.
Disclaimer: I normally won't descend to the depths of name calling, swearing or red herring. Below, I depart from this.
Here goes.
The first (perhaps only, ever) 4-stir Pudding Head Award (Kind of like a 4-Star General of Sub-Intellect) goes to ...Vehicles still sporting W-04 stickers
Where to begin? I guess I should start out with a
WARNING: The following rant is NOT SUITABLE FOR CHILDREN or sensitive psyche folk; so, do NOT continue if you are under 18 years of age or are offended by raw cussing.
O.K.?
Are you gone yet?
Fine.
The cussing follows immediately below:
Scrape that fucking W-04 sticker off your fucking car you stupid stupid stupid fuck.
In 2000, you are forgiven. I even fell for the George W campaign that year. My reasoning was: kind of a dummy; but, seems like a good person; and, he’s surrounded by really experienced people; and, look at the alternative (ack!)
But, by 2004, you were still supporting the guy? Were you living in the deepest reaches of the Congo or somewhere like a Patagonian mountain summit? Even though Kerry was a sickening alternate choice, you still should have been on board with the ABB (Anybody But Bush) movement. O.K., I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt. Maybe you worked for the Republican Party or you were subject to some peer pressure.
Now, it is 2008 people. “W” is now ready to assume the role of probably the worst post-agricultural-age former president of all. The guy is now subject to open evaluation and the ledger doesn’t look good:
• W is public proof that you can college educate a chimpanzee; and, that a masters degree from one of the most prestigious business schools doesn’t help at all.
• This is a super-rich frat-boy prankster that never grew up. He thinks life is fun. His handlers know better. They are dancing their clown in front of your eyes so that you can’t see what they’ve done or wanted to do. (Even they couldn’t pull off all of their plans. See the next bullet.)
• The economy has been in a train wreck and might be declared “totaled.”
• Pollution is worse and we now have had 8 more years of doing nothing about it.
• Even Monkey-Boy has recently admitted that perhaps he may have been mistaken about global warming. Maybe he should have “believed” sooner and started on a road to using his power to mitigate the problem.
• Gasoline at $4.00?!? Oops. [giggle] Darn! [tee hee] Should have done something. [guffaw]
• We now know the answer to the question, “How in the world can people spend hundreds of millions of dollars to win a job (the presidency) that only pays $400,000.00 per year?” Answer: $120.00 per barrel oil. Geez. Do the math. When Weenie-Boy took office, the price was under $35.
• We’re engaged in a piggy-bank-busting war in Afghanistan so that WE can bring “freedom” and “democracy” to these people. You shit head. This “country” has been the site of occupation, war, disputes and every other sort of human conflict since at least 2000 … BCE! Now YOU are going to swish in and “fix” things. Oh, that’s right, you were a business major, not a history major.
• We’re engaged in a war in Iraq (and, for all intents and purposes, Iran) which is also breaking the bank here at home. Sure, sure, their dictator was a very bad guy. But, given an opportunity for an open and honest expression of their inner feelings no Iraqi would vote for the USA to be their White Knight. We and our influences are NOT wanted there. We’re only the terrible tasting medicine that they’ve swallowed to get rid of a near-fatal disease. Now they're trying to figure out how to take what's left of that medicine and pour it down the drain. Get out. Now!
• Ask a European or a citizen of any different country what the buzz is on their country’s streets about “W”. In my travels, I’ve never once heard a complimentary remark about Mr. President. We’re either the laughingstock of the world or, at best, we have their pity.
Oh, I’m tired of writing about this topic. This is beyond being stupid. I’ve got myself worked up and my true feelings are that this is evil. It’s not funny. Not just richer people (wink wink, nudge nudge) plotting against the poor stupid sheep. This presidency has simply been the beginning of the end. Take a good hard look at the Brits. That’s you, USA, in another 20 years. It took the Brits two world wars and 60+ more years to get into their situation. You’re doing it in a single generation. Buh bye.
Old W-04 stickers make me want to get violent.
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